Benefits
If you think you are entitled to benefits, then chances are you aren't. We only pay out money in exceptional circumstances. We only receive our monthly bonus if we refer the unemployed into work. We are not paid by the amount of form-filling that we have to do. We have specialist call-centres who do this for us, they are paid bonuses, so don't even think about coming into your local Dole Office to get help with a fifty-page form. We can't, and won't, help you.
Below is a list of benefits which could be paid to you, if you don't mind lying to the government to reclaim some of your taxes.
Jobseeker's Allowance
Jobseeker's Allowance (JSA) is the most ironic title we could think of for this benefit. As most recipients of JSA are not actively seeking employment and DSA had already been taken.
To be in receipt of this benefit, you must be:
- Employed by a company who don't pay National Insurance Contributions or Tax.
- Jeremy Kyle's biggest fan.
- Alcoholic.
Disability Living Allowance
Disability Living Allowance (DLA) is used to accommodate the weak, workshy and worthless. The three W's. This benefit is only paid to those who do not have a disability and are as defined below.
- The completely compus-mentis.
- Those who are lazy.
- If you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
- If you're a little bit depressed because your dog died.
- The workshy.
- If you're stressed.
If you
are
classed as any of the above,
but not physically or mentally
disabled, then you will be guaranteed receipt of DLA.
Severe Disablement Allowance
Severe Disablement Allowance (SDA) is only paid for those suffering from stress. If you have been off work for one or more days due to the stresses of being a 'normal, working citizen of the United Kingdom', then you will be entitled to this benefit. No other cases will be heard until we can identify all those who are stressed with the pressure of work.
Income Support
Those in receipt of Income Support (IS) are those who are nearing the stages of completion through the Dole Office Re-Employment Programme. If you have successfully found part-time work, and wish to top up your income because you have a nasty addiction, then you will be guaranteed acceptance into our IS plan. For more information, please contact your local Dole Office.
Winter Fuel Payment
In 2010 we will be phasing out this costly scheme. This benefit was only started in 2006 as a trial and after this winter, it shall end. The alternatives to the Winter Fuel Payment are detailed below. The cost of these items will be deducted from your weekly state pension.
- Half a bag of coal.
- 2 Logs.
- A £5 electricity meter token.
- 2 stones and a stick.
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