Benefits Available to You.
If you think that you are entitled to benefits, then chances are you’re not. We only pay out money in exceptional circumstances. We only receive our monthly bonus if we refer the unemployed into work. We are not paid by the amount of form-filling that we do. We do have specialist call-centres who do this for us, they are paid bonuses, so don’t even think about coming into your local Dole Office to get help with a fifty-page form. We can’t, and won’t, help you.
Below is a list of benefits which could be paid to you, if you don’t mind lying to the government to reclaim some of your hard-earned taxes back.
Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) is the most ironic title we could think of for this benefit. As most of the recipients of JSA are not actively seeking employment and DSA had already been taken.
To be in receipt of this benefit, you must be:
- Employed by a company who doesn’t pay National Insurance Contributions or Tax
- Jeremy Kyle’s biggest fan
- An alcoholic
Disability Living Allowance
Disability Living Allowance (DLA) is used to accommodate the weak, workshy and worthless. The Three W’s. This benefit is only paid to those, who do not have any form of disability and are as defined below:
- The completely compus-mentis
- Those who are terminally lazy
- If you suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from your pet hamster dying
- If you’re a little bit depressed because Downton Abbey is no longer on the telly
- The workshy
- If you’re a little bit stressed
If you are classed as any of the above, but not physically or mentally handicapped, then you will be guaranteed receipt of DLA.
Severe Disablement Allowance
Severe Disablement Allowance (SDA) is only paid for those unfortunate enough to suffer from stress. If you have been off work for one or more days due to the stresses of being a ‘normal, working citizen of the United Kingdom’, then you will be entitled to this benefit. No other cases will be heard until we can identify all the citizens who are stressed from the pressures of the workplace.
Those in receipt of Income Support (IS) are those who are nearing the stages of completion through the Dole Office Re-Employment Programme (DOREP). If you have successfully found part-time work on a zero hour contract, and wish to top-up your income because you have a nasty addiction – drugs, alcohol, Starbucks, Facebook, etc. – then you will be guaranteed acceptance into our DOREP plan. For more information, please contact your local Dole Office.
Winter Fuel Payment
Previous trials of phasing out this costly scheme in 2014 failed to work. It has been confirmed that 2016 will see the last payments on the Winter Fuel scheme being made. From Winter 2016 onwards, the following options will be made available to current recipients:
- Half a bag of coal (no more than 10kg)
- 2 Logs (no bigger than a Tesco Value range Swiss Roll)
- A £5 Electricity meter token (the paper variety)
- 2 Stones and a stick
Please note: The above items will be given out on an annual basis from a government liveried Bentley. Deductions for the cost of the items + delivery from our London HQ will be taken from your current old-age pension.